Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Some Kind Of Sick Bitch

The Devil is a freak about ailments and illness. She loves them. She loves when someone is sick. She loves when she's sick herself. She loves having surgery. And she especially loves taking and administering medication, almost to the point of obsession (think Munchausen's Syndrome).

She hoards medications. She keeps both prescription and over-the-counter medications in this giant cardboard box in a cabinet. And she keeps them indefinitely. My husband had poison ivy last summer and she sent him home with some kind of ointment. That expired in 1997. I made the mistake once of mentioning that I had a headache at her house. She offered me some left-over antibiotic from her box o' drugs for the "sinus infection" that I "must be getting." If someone complains of a sore back, she gets out her box and offers vicodin or percocet. Toothache? Have some codeine. Can't sleep? The Devil's got a xanax for you.

Loose pills can often be found in The Devil's purse or scattered on her nightstand. She keeps her current prescription jars lined up on her kitchen counter. Like trophies. I once heard The Devil berate one of her grown children for cleaning her kitchen and putting the prescription bottles inside a kitchen cupboard, right above where they were normally kept on the counter. She shouted: "I need to be able to see them!"

Years ago, my husband and I were desperate to conceive and sought help from a fertility specialist, who prescribed a series of pills to be taken orally by me, detailed ultrasounds of follicles and such, and carefully-timed injections. One of these carefully-timed injections needed to occur at The Devil's house after we'd been invited for dinner one evening. This was no secret, and The Devil practically begged me to let her administer the injection. She did, and I carefully wrapped the needle and empty jar in paper towels and placed them inside a plastic grocery bag, which I tied tightly in a knot and threw away in the kitchen garbage can. Several days later, when I happened to stop at The Devil's house for one reason or another, I noticed the discarded, empty serum jar lined up on her counter with the rest of her trophies. What the freaky fuck?

I am generally a live-and-let-live, non-judgemental kind of person. It doesn't bother me a bit if The Devil wants to drug herself into incoherent oblivion or stare lovingly at used syringes. I'm not as casual, however, about medication myself, and in fact, I happen to be quite conservative when it comes to medicating my children. That is, I don't. I rarely give any medicines to my children that aren't specifically prescribed by their pediatrician, and even those, over the years have been few and far between.

When my oldest child was about 6 months old, and just starting to eat solid foods, she, consequently, was having a tough time moving her little bowels, as is common. We "treated" her with fruit juice and prunes, as was recommended by the pediatrician. I was pregnant again, but nearly 3 months into the pregnancy, began to miscarry at home. My husband and I rushed to the hospital, and dropped our oldest off at The Devil's house. A few miserable hours later, we picked her up and returned home. While preparing her for bedtime, I noticed something that looked, to my new-mother's eyes, like a choking-hazard-size piece of plastic in my baby's extremely messy diaper. Obviously, my husband and I were incredibly alarmed and he called The Devil to ask what the baby could have possibly swallowed while in her care. The Devil "reassured" us by telling us that she'd given a rectal suppository to the baby.

WHAT. THE. FUCK? Who, in their right mind, would think to administer a rectal suppository to an infant without thinking to ask the parents' permission, and at the very least, thinking to tell the (already traumatized by a proximate miscarriage!) parents after the fact so they wouldn't freak the fuck out when finding what was left of it in the infant's disgusting diaper?!?

Amazingly, my husband remained calm when he explained to his mother that this is not the way we dealt with the baby's constipation. And that it had been completely inappropriate for her to administer the suppository without asking us or telling us about it. And that, in the future, she must never give the baby any kind of medicine without our explicit permission.

Do you think The Devil apologized? No. The Devil sobbed. My husband got a stern lecture from his father for 'upsetting' her and expected him to apologize. We got the silent treatment for a week or more. I found out years later, that The Devil had called many family members and cried to them, saying how awful we were to her.

Just a few years ago, my two oldest - about ages 6 and 3 at the time - came home from a visit with The Devil and mentioned, out of the blue, the "orange medicine" that she'd given to my young son, the 3 year-old, when he fell and scraped his knee. I remained calm, but interrogated the older child for details. She got the medicine from her box. It was orange. She gave it to him on a spoon. She offered to let the older child have a taste. As young as they were, both kids told the same story and I knew they were telling the truth. My cure for a scraped knee is a band-aid and a kiss. I was livid. I explained the situation to my husband and demanded he call The Devil for an explanation. He was hesitant, but finally spoke to his father, who refused to even bring the subject up with The Devil, but offered a weak denial of any "orange medicine" incident. We got the silent treatment again. Which was fine with me.

Fucking crazy bitch.

74 comments:

DKG aka Scrappy Doo said...

Man, I just thought I had the worst one on the planet. PSYCHO BITCH!!!
Satans sister told my husband to tell me "hi" on the phone the other day. (We have not spoken or acknowledged each other for over 2 years) WTF?? I think she must want money
Scrappy

Housewife Savant said...

Sometimes, after many silent "holy crap"s and much sheeshing as I read your posts, I just wanna give you a hug.

I'm probably CLOSE to being old enough to be your MIL, and compared to THIS psycho I am the Living End darling.
You would worship me.
Haha.

I got few words for the craziness in this post. (Amazing how I can make "few words" appear as many.)

Horrible, Crazy, Dangerous Stupid, Bi-otch.

(FYI, that's NOT my signature line, k?)

Kristina P. said...

I don't even know what to say.

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

I have no words. (Rare for me.)
Is your FIL medicated? Is that how he manages to live with her...?
I wouldn't send my kids over anymore. Crazy.

Sara Rose said...

Holy fucking crapolla. That's a huge no no. It's DEADLY to give a baby a suppository without specifically checking with a doctor or nurse about specific dosing and administering directions. My parents were both medical professionals and they weren't liberal with medicines at all. I'm a bit more liberal with things like baby tylenol because we've been sick so much this last winter, but uhhhh, pain meds for a scraped knee? HUH??

My MIL isn't just a medication junkie, she's a total fucking hypochondriac. LIKE, she thought computer viruses were something people got and went to the doctor for this. If she has allergies, she actually has bird flu or pneumonia. My FIL got pneumonia a few years ago (very mild, wasn't hospitalized or anything, he was given omnicef and some cough syrup with codeine and a standing prescription for nebulizer treatments if he needed them). Apparently, to MIL THIS meant that we should come say our goodbyes to him and grieve that he waas most likely dying.

Oh and she would try and let our baby sleep with a huge comforter one of the few times we let her over there.

I loved the description of her medicine box. I spit out my coffee laughing insanely over it.

Momma Janks said...

This is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read. Please keep it up.

Once the future MIL actually becomes the MIL, I'm sure I'll be able to share some 'not quite as bright as yours' gems.

Roshni said...

I can't imagine you having to leave your kids with her again...isn't there any other option?! What if they manage to get a pill of the countertop?!

Fraulein N said...

I'd be too scared to leave my kids with her, honestly. I still can't get over the fact that SHE WENT THROUGH THE TRASH.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

I would freak the fuck out if this happened. And I don't even have kids yet. This actually made me mad. I am so glad that my mil is not the devil...

Anonymous said...

My child would NEVER be left alone with her again, EVER. She is not a doctor; she is playing a very dangerous game. I am livid for you!

mommakin said...

She is just an endless fount of crazy, isn't she? Good Lord! Retrieving medical waste? WTF?!?

Moni said...

After many jaw dropping moments, all I can say is holy crap. I think you should secretly sneak into her house and flush all the pills and put the bottles back where they were. That would be funny.

kristi said...

Ok I read this post yesterday and didn't comment because i wanted to think of something better than all the hateful things that were going through my mind.
well, i got nothing. nothing nice that is.
have you ever thought to use a nanny cam with her?
she freaks me out. the devil really is your mil. OMG

Kevin McKeever said...

Stupidity beyond belief on her part. Unbelieveable!

Unknown said...

This blog is AWESOME. I kind of wish my MIL was a bitch, so I could contribute.

Marinka said...

omg, how could an adult do that? Although I was laughing at the image of all the medicine bottles lined up--doing that to a child, without the parents' permission crosses the line. In a big way.

Moonrayvenne said...

OMG! What a freaking psycho! My daughter is 15 now but had an awesome babysitter when she was little & if she notices anything even close to abuse, which is what the devil is doing, she would have called the police in an instant. She wouldn't care if it were the pope giving the kid the meds. There is just no excuse for that kind of behavior except that she needs to be locked away from all human contact!

2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Holy Shit! She IS CRAZY!

That whole suppository thing would freak me out. I have to say I would find every reason possible to not leave my kids in her care that is way to scary! SORRY!

Vic said...

It was funny until she started medicating your kids without your knowledge. She's dangerous.

(Then it was still funny, but also horrifying!)
I need to send my MIL flowers. She's not perfect, but she's a saint next to this.

DKG aka Scrappy Doo said...

Hey DIL,
The GIVEAWAY is on come chek it out!
PS I have gotten anymore "Hi's " from my MIL guess she won the lotto hehe

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Rose, thanks so much for your interest in my blog!

As far as The Devil having brought up her own children: please, define "successfully".

I assure you, The Devil is, in fact, one crazy bitch. And I hear she has plenty of free time on her hands since she's currently unemployed. So feel free to leave your children in her care anytime! I'd rather not take any chances with the loose pills or "bombs" of any sort in my babies' butts.

And I'm not sure what "ab-dabs" means, but thank goodness my baby wasn't hospitilized! The Devil would have just LOVED that.

DKG aka Scrappy Doo said...

Rose,
I take offense to you taking the Lord's name in vain and grouping us all as a LOT!
We are all very unique individuals who could care a rats tail for our MILs!
I bet you are a MIL huh?
Does your SNL have a blog I bet so!
Have a nice day :-)

Anonymous said...

Rose, it doesn't matter what the gorram orange medicine was, she had no business giving to her kids. No one should ever injest medicine to "have a taste" and definitely shouldn't be telling children to do so.

This woman should not be allowed near anyone's kids without supervision.

Anonymous said...

When she gave that suffering child a laxative suppository, you should have been thanking her!

aMUSEingComedy said...

Actually giving a child medicine (especially an infant) if you don't know the dosage or the child's allergies IS dangerous. You can easily kill an infant that way! Not to mention, that if you don't want to give YOUR CHILD drugs that is YOUR decision to make, so even if you don't believe it's dangerous at least respect a parent's right to make those decisions for their children. Constipation isn't exactly life threatening unless it's really severe, and fruit juice seems like a perfectly natural and safe way to deal with it.

Anonymous said...

I have to say I think Rose was right - there's nothing deadly about a glycerine suppository...if she was taht constipated, it's what you should've given her.

Anonymous said...

The MIL is a crazy bitch no question, but I think the worst part of her behaviour is not the suppository or the orange medicine itself, it was her complete disregard for your wishes as a parent, and the subsequent emotional blackmail. She clearly has no respect for you as a parent and is trying to manipulate you and your husband. I feel for you because my MIL is exactly the same, not about the medicine, but the lack of respect and consideration. Like yours, she also complains about me to her family and tries to create drama. What she doesn't seem to understand is that her behaviour is pushing her precious son further away from her. Witch.

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Anonymous said...

I am a MIL and a grandma.. and no grandparent has the right to give grandkids any medications without the permission from the parents. I tend to agree with a lot of these posters. I wouldn't trust her to watch your kids at all.

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Harris said...

I can't imagine you having to leave your kids with her again...isn't there any other option?! What if they manage to get a pill of the countertop?!

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