Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Devil Wears Polyester

I must begin by apologizing profusely to my readers, especially to those who have submitted MIL stories for me to share. While I hadn't checked my email in months, I have finally started wading through it, and I promise to get your stories queued up, and post each and every one. I'm incredibly grateful for my faithful readers and my new followers. I have been enjoying catching up on all the comments I've missed! I had a busy summer, and now autumn has brought many changes to my life. A lame excuse, but that's my excuse, nonetheless. Fortunately, I am fine. Thank you, readers, for your loyalty and concern, but the Devil has NOT got the best of me. Now let's get back to business: bad-mouthing our mothers-in-law all over the Internet.

Kansas Girl submitted this hilarious post about her own polyester-clad Devil.



Now, don't get me wrong, I adore my children - but before I had them, I had some serious fun.

And then when I was 27, I got married and had my first of many (2) children. I had just turned 30 when my daughter was born; it was understood I would quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom. The world was calm and peaceful. I bought a jogging stroller and ran through the neighborhood everyday with baby Alli. Life at 30 wasn't the same as life at 22, but it was relatively nice.

Alas, there came a bump in the road... I was awakened one morning by the sound of the house shaking. The floor split open and flames shot up. I grabbed my baby girl and huddled in the corner as the devil rose from the pits of hell. I'd seen a lot of pictures of the devil - you know, dressed in red, horns, long tail, etc, etc, etc. But the devil that entered my house was wearing a double knit polyester pantsuit and bad wig. Baby Alli and I were informed that the devil was moving in. And we wept. OK, I wept. Oh, how I freakin' wept.

I know everyone has stories about how bad their mother-in-law is/was/can be, but my stories, I'm sure, are worse. The woman never stopped talking! Long, boring, pointless stories - well, I believe in total she had only 3 stories, so, she kept repeating them over and over until you wanted to rip the wig off her head and smack her with it. She liked to look out the window while she talked and one day I realized: I can leave the room while she's talking and she would never notice. And that's what I would do.

What was worse than having to listen to my mother-in-law? Actually having a conversation with her. Here's a sampling of a few:

Me: I'm making chicken for dinner tonight.
MIL: Stop using pepper when you cook, because I'm allergic to it.
Me: What? No, you aren't! How are you allergic to pepper?
MIL: It makes me sneeze.
Me: It seems the whole world is allergic to pepper then.
MIL: I don't like sarcasm - it's not funny.

(Driving out to eat.)
MIL: Did you see that huge dead dog in the middle of the road?
Me: No, that was just a flattened cardboard box.
MIL: I KNOW WHAT I SAW AND THAT WAS A DAMN DEAD DOG DON'T TELL ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW BECAUSE THAT WAS SO OBVIOUSLY A DAMN DEAD DOG YOU THINK I'M SO STUPID I DON'T KNOW WHAT A DAMN DEAD DOG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD LOOKS LIKE?
Me: Obviously not, because that was a cardboard box.
(Husband turns car around and we freakin' drive back to the box in the road.)
MIL: Well, that's not what I was talking about. I saw a dead dog and it's gone now.
Me: I'm sure it magically got better and ran away.
MIL: I don't like sarcasm - it's not funny.

Me: I hate to tear myself away from your always entertaining story, but I have to feed the baby.
MIL: Why are you breast feeding my grandchild?
Me: Because I think I read somewhere that if you don't feed a baby it will die.
MIL: I don't like sarcasm - it's not funny.
Me: I didn't know that.
MIL: Baby formula is much better for a baby than breast milk.
Me: What? Where did you hear this?
MIL: When I had my babies the hospital nurse told me I should not breast feed, because it's not good for the baby.
Me: She probably only meant you, because you act like someone all whacked out on PCP.
MIL: What?
Me: That was sarcasm - and it was funny.

23 comments:

*Akilah Sakai* said...

The funniest shit is your husband actually drove back the DAMN DEAD CARDBOARD (DOG) BOX in the road. Laughing my ass off!!!

LB @Wait, She Said What? said...

Best part was turning around to investigate the dead carboard box. Too funny.

So glad the devil blog is back! Yay!

Eva Gallant said...

hilarious!

And to think I almost stopped following because it had been so long. thought you'd given up blogging!

MeanDonnaJean said...

Well well well.....its so very nice to finally meet yer acquaintance....and its so very nice of ya to finally join us again! ;-) Even tho I no longer have a MIL...she died shortly after my husband did :-( and even tho when I DID have one she was just one big giant mess o' a silly-ass southerner who really was a.o.k. in MY book, I still getta rise outta readin' yer stuff. So keep on bitchin' baby and I'LL keep doin' my stinkin' thinkin' and together we'll make the world just as miserable as yer MIL is.

Meeko Fabulous said...

OH HOW I MISSED THESE POSTS! So glad you're back. :)

Andrea (@shutterbitch on twitter) said...

New follower, and oh how I'm howling with laughter right now!

I'm sure I can come up with some father in law/sister in law stories for you. I have some doozies too.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I can't wait to read more stories! I've missed you!

Figures, I had the best MIL in the world and she died. She was wonderful. I loved her. I had no idea how may bad MILs there were in the world until I started blogging.

Hugs!!

Mejis said...

That was fooking hilarious!!!
My soon to be mother in law is a two-faced drama queen. I'm not being mean, she really is. It's a fact.

Scrappy Doo said...

Thank the Lord you back!

Love that post Not sarcasm, Serious!

Beckie said...

That was freaking awesome!! I LOVE sarcasm. I'm it's best friend. So sarcasm IS funny! And I am sooo glad you are back!! You have no idea how mch your blogs and stories make my day!! Thank you!!

kmoye said...

that post was fucking hilarious. no it was fuckarious!
also i want to meet this Kansas girl and make her my new bff. awesome job KG!

Kristina P. said...

Thanks for emailing me back! I had finally taken your blog off my Reader, thinking you had abandoned it.

I thank heaven for my MIL every day.

TheSingleGirl said...

Oh. My. Hell.

So glad you're back.

Stories like Kansas Girl's...while entertaining, instead of making me LOL they make me STABBY.

MIL's=Hitting a nerve.

Oh, and, so glad you're back. Did I mention that?

;P

Polly said...

As a brand new follower, I was freaking out that maybe your dh or your mil had discovered your blog so you ditched it!! LOL Glad to see you made it back.
That post was HIL-FREAKING-ARIOUS!!! My mil doesn't like sarcasm either. I love it. She loses.

AVONLadyinSC said...

Glad the blog is back, we all need these stories to keep us laughing our asses off :)

AVONLadyinSC said...

Glad the blog is back, we all need these stories to keep us laughing our asses off :)

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back. These always make me laugh!!

Ams said...

So glad you're back and I think I about spit my drink all over the screen! Love it!

Stephanie said...

Ooh! Mother in law trashing! I love it! I can't wait to join in!

This story was perfection.

Katie said...

Wow. She lives with you? You're a better woman than I am. I would've killed someone.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! You were dearly missed!

kanishk said...

So glad the devil blog is back!

Work from home India

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