Wednesday, April 22, 2009

(Try Not To) Picture It.

The Devil has this habit of telling the same stories over and over. I used to humor her, smile and nod and listen politely, then try and subtly change the subject. Lately, though, I've given up all tactfulness and just say: "Yeah. You already told me that." I just can't take it anymore.

For example. Whenever the subject of illness comes up in conversation, like if you happen to mention you're coming down with a cold, she tells the story of the worst case of stomach flu she ever had. Every time. With details. Such as: she was desperately clutching the toilet bowl, retching violently and simultaneously experiencing uncontrollable diarrhea. That is, retching into the toilet while trying to sit atop a garbage pail.

I wonder: Why the fuck would you not sit on the toilet and vomit into the trash can, like a human being, you stupid cow? And even if this actually happened to you, why the fuck would you tell somebody about it? Dozens of times?

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Your comment on my blog made me laugh. And then I saw your blog name, and it made me laugh some more. So, you are now on my Reader. This should be a hilarious ride!

kmoye said...

OMG who the hell tells that story? why the hell would i want that mental image? shes a real winner.

Captain Dumbass said...

My MIL and I get along great. We don't speak the same languages.

Megan said...

I love your blogs name, though I'm single so can't share the horror!

Scrappy Doo said...

OMG!!! my husbands mother is the devils sister only she is the extreme- No bra wearin,flip flop sportin, goin to the Wal-Mart and give me money so I can go gamblin and dont tell the section 8 office, White trash Queen!!!! who by the way throws her crappy toliet paper in my trash can so we can all see her crap, instead of flushing it like a human!!!
We have spoken since I threw her out of the house two years ago!!!
OMG LOVE THE BLOG!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!
Scrappy

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHAHA. I just had to laugh at your follow-up commentary. That really is a little odd to have your butt on a trash can and throw up in the toilet. :) I will laugh at this all night, I'm sure.

Vic said...

You don't want to mess up your toilet with all that diarrhea. That would be gross!

(My mother-in-law subtly tortures me with her eyebrows. You can say a lot with eyebrows.)

jeremy said...

or just get in the tub, do whatever, and hose yourself off afterwards.

i should write a book.

Kimberly said...

I work with a gal - who - at any given time can trump your illness. Example: If you were dead, she'd been "deader".

Melodie said...

My MIL (I've nicknamed her The Lola) tells the exact same story as yours, but she's sitting on the toilet while wretching into the garbage pail!

Anonymous said...

i have the old iphone and i have all my contacts added. but for some reason when people send me texts he just comes up their number and not their names. i keep having to ask who it is, its annoying. HELP!



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